


Conversation Like a Map

by lodessa



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Bittersweet, Declarations Of Love, Episode: s05e06 Timeless, F/M, Resolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-12
Updated: 2014-10-12
Packaged: 2018-02-20 20:43:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2442506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lodessa/pseuds/lodessa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She paused a minute before saying quietly and with utmost seriousness, “Chakotay, I know tomorrow is a risk. We might not survive it and I wouldn’t want to die… never having-” She stopped short, eyes full of emotion and apparently too overcome for words. “I told myself I couldn’t… we couldn’t… not while we were in the Delta Quadrant. Either way we won’t be here tomorrow, though.”</p><p>Chakotay didn’t think he’d ever heard Kathryn do anything remotely close to babbling before, but here she was. Here she was, and he was pretty sure telling him she was ready to take the leap, that she didn’t want to die without them being together.</p><p>“Kathryn…” He stood and walked around to her side of the table, taking her hands in his and kneeling before her. “Are you saying what I am hoping you are saying?”</p><p>“Stay with me tonight.” She told him, her hands squeezing his for reassurance. “We’ve waited long enough.”</p><p> </p><p>(Set during the episode "Timeless")</p>
            </blockquote>





	Conversation Like a Map

**Author's Note:**

  * For [in_sunshine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/in_sunshine/gifts).



The excitement in the air was electric. Confetti was everywhere and someone had broken out champagne. Everyone was smiling and Kathryn was… he was pretty sure she was actually glowing. Chakotay realized that he was staring at her, not looking or watching or observing… staring. Maybe he too was drunk on the moment; because, he couldn’t even bring himself to soften his expression into something other than besotted adoration as they stood in front of the whole crew. He told himself that everyone else was excited as he was and wouldn’t notice, especially since they all must be looking at her and not him, standing by her side.

Almost five years, it seemed like it had been both an eternity and a blink of the eye at the same time. It was almost hard to remember what it had been like not to know Kathryn Janeway, serve under her, love her. Somehow in this festive moment in time, he couldn’t not think it. Then she turned and looked back at him, joy and warmth and that vibrant energy in her eyes. He couldn’t help grinning at her, perfectly aware that his feelings were written all over his face and yet she didn’t turn away or change expressions.

“Great speech.” He told her, wondering if they were thinking at all the same things. Over the recent weeks, as they got closer and closer to completing the Slipstream Drive, he could have sworn she’d been holding his gaze longer, her touches more lingering, a certain intensity in her eyes when their eyes met. His belief that the feelings he had for her were mutual, that if they were not stranded in the Delta Quadrant they might explore them, was revitalized. Of course, he might be headed to prison once they returned, a small voice said in the back of his mind, but he couldn’t bring himself to think about that in the face of Kathryn’s exuberance and the way she was looking at him.

“Great occasion.” She laughed, looking more youthful and happier than she had in ages. He couldn’t say more beautiful; because, she was always stunning to him. “Shall we get out of here and let the crew celebrate without their parents looking over their shoulders?”

He often thought about them that way, and he suspected she did too, but it wasn’t usually something either of them said out loud. Voyager had become a family somewhere in the time since they’d been stranded out here in the Delta Quadrant and that was something they all understood, but talking about their role in that family had become forbidden territory.

“Sounds like a good plan to me.” He agreed, putting his arm out to guide her through the crowd towards the exit from Engineering. She leaned close to him, not that they didn’t always seem to have a comfortable habit of proximity, but today it felt exaggerated. The crew members they passed smiled at them, and he wondered whether they noticed a shift or if it was all in his mind. Did he want to believe there was a future for them back in the Alpha Quadrant so much he was making up signs? 

“It’s unbelievable.” Kathryn mused. “Five years ago I’d never have imagined something like this was possible. Hell, a year ago I wouldn’t have.”

“It will certainly be one for the history books.” He agreed. “Captain Kathryn Janeway’s groundbreaking five year journey across the Delta Quadrant, culminating in the dramatic advancement of space travel. They will be building statues and naming schools after you.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure.” She shook her head. “Quantum Matrix, benamite crystals, Borg technology. Can you imagine what Starfleet is going to say?”

He was pretty sure it wasn’t going to be the technology the Federation might have a problem with. They were going to be happy to get their hands on something so useful, no matter its provenance. He was less sure how they were going to react to Kathryn’s stance on the former Maquis crew members, himself included. He didn’t want to worry her with that, though. Not right now. Besides, he knew she’d stand up for them, and he had yet to see Kathryn Janeway defeated in a fight for something she thought was important.

“I don't think we'll hear any complaints.” He repeated his thoughts out loud, albeit edited. “The Federation's first Slipstream drive. They'll probably nominate us for the Cochrane Medal of Honour.”

The thought seemed to please and amuse her as she replied that she’d start working on her acceptance speech. He was pretty sure she didn’t realize how much truth there was to his words. She was going to be a hero when they returned, regardless of what was decided about the rest of them. It was so wonderful to see her like this, so free.

He kept his reply light, not wanting to push too far and ruin the mood, but unable to keep the flirtatious tone out of his voice as he teased, “I'd like to thank the Borg Collective…”

“Dinner plans?” She asked him, despite the fact that it wasn’t their usual day. Of course, nothing was usual about today.

“Nothing special.” He replied. “Date with a replicator.”

The word date crept into his sentence without thinking about it. She was about to invite him to dinner and he couldn’t help hoping that it might be the last time they did this before it could be called a date in earnest. He imagined sitting across from her, out of uniform and with a backdrop that wasn’t standard Starfleet issue. They’d been playing at it for years, with the candles and the music, and he could have sworn this was her way of telling him she was excited to be almost able to drop the pretense.

“Cancel it, that's an order.” She told him, her inflection belying the official choice of words as she walked away.

“Aye, Captain.” He agreed eagerly. He thought about replicating her another peace rose, a sign that he too was eagerly anticipating their freedom from the constraints of her current command.

Of course, the next thing Chakotay knew, it looked like this too good to be true moment really was just that. The new simulations showed disaster, and Chakotay tried to stuff down his disappointment as he realized that they were probably not about to get back… which meant that he and Kathryn were not about to be free to pursue anything more than what they already had. It was back to business; he realized, as he schooled his face back into something vaguely resembling a professional way of looking at Kathryn. So much for celebration, it was back to the grindstone for all of them.

When Kathryn called him to her quarters; he imagined she wanted to talk over the options with him. In light of the road bump they had hit, he expected she’d be working all night as she always did when things got rough. When he arrived though, he was greeted by candlelight and flowers and the soft sound of romantic ambient music. He was taken aback.

“ Come in. Commander, I hope you've got an appetite.” Kathryn told him, the use of his title at conflict with the atmosphere created by the music and candlelight.

“Famished.” He admitted, “But I assumed you called me here to talk about the Slipstream flight.”

Maybe she’d set all this up before she got the bad news and just hadn’t remembered to wipe it away, he considered. After all, she’d always been better at pushing her feelings aside than he had.

“No reason to cancel our dinner plans.” She told him, again surprising Chakotay with her lighthearted demeanor. “I've programmed a dish my grandmother used to make back on Earth. Vegetable biryani.”

“Sounds delicious. I didn't know you could cook.” He replied, any thoughts he had about the setting not being intentional going out the window with her comment about the food. 

“ Normally, I draw the line at a pot of coffee” she conceded, “but tonight is a special occasion.” 

“Oh?” He asked, wondering exactly what was going through her mind. She seemed to have come to some sort of conclusion today, but he wasn’t sure what it was. He didn’t dare hope it had to do with them personally, not when there were such big issues of duty for her to think about.

“Our last night in the Delta Quadrant. I'd say that's special enough.” She replied, confirming momentarily his thought that this had to be a special occasion for the captain not the woman.

“You've made your decision.” He acknowledged more than asked. He wondered if the dinner was an attempt to manipulate him, if she knew he was going to caution restraint and was trying to use the romantic dinner to bend him to her will.

”We launch tomorrow at o’ eight hundred. You and Harry will take the Delta Flyer. Voyager will be right behind you.” 

“The crew will be pleased.” He said as neutrally as possible, trying to process his reaction.

“You can give them the news yourself, after dessert.” She told him, another attempt to make him feel important; although, she hadn’t discussed this decision with him before making up her mind. “What about you, Chakotay? What do you think about my decision?”

As always, she was asking him for his opinion once she’d already made a decision. It reminded him of so many times they’d argued over the years. As always, he was determined to tell her the truth, no matter how much he wanted to be able to tell her what she wanted to hear. After all, if he stopped doing that he would confirm all of her beliefs about why she believed he couldn’t be both her lover and her first officer. Not that he was the prior, but he could never seem to give up hoping.

“I've analyzed Harry's flight plan. The theory is sound, but there are just too many variables. If something goes wrong in that slipstream-” He started. This was a bad idea and he knew it, no matter how determined she was.

“It could be our only chance to use the Quantum Drive.” She replied, surprising him with her attachment to the idea. She’d always wanted to get them home, but never at the risk of the crew’s lives. When she’d taken drastic action before, it had been under duress. Why was she suddenly willing to risk it all?

“True, but if you showed this data to any Starfleet engineer, they'd think we were out of our minds.” He countered, before changing gears towards support. “We can find another way home. We've waited this long.”

Surely, being out here wasn’t that intolerable was it? He had no doubt that Kathryn would get them home, but life on Voyager wasn’t so bad. The only thing he truly regretted was that he couldn’t be with her.

“Long enough. We've waited long enough.” She said, and suddenly it hit him what she was saying. Yes, they’d waited to get back, but that wasn’t the only thing they were waiting for. She didn’t want to hold back from him anymore either and he abruptly realized she was as good as telling him she was willing to risk all their lives rather than go back to waiting. “I know it's a risk, probably our biggest one yet, but I'm willing to take it. Are you with me?”

“Always.” He replied, echoing the words he’d told her too many times to count, each time with more meaning behind it than whatever she’d asked him about in regards to the ship. Just this once he didn’t have to be the conscientious objector. No. He didn’t have it in him to fight her tonight. Chakotay looked at Kathryn and the heat in her gaze overwhelmed him. She looked down, seemingly overcome by his response, as if she wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry or fling herself at him. Or maybe that was just how he felt.

“Speaking of risks.” She asked, clearly trying to lighten the mood as she crossed over to him, but then she touched his face, a gesture that was surprisingly tender and almost shockingly intimate. “Are you ready to try some home cooking?”

“I'll alert Sickbay.” He teased, and their eyes met and again he wondered how he’d ever managed to push his feelings for this woman down for so long. No, it would be impossible to do it again, so it was for the best that tomorrow they would be in the Alpha Quadrant where he could openly profess his love or they’d be dead and it would be a moot point.

The biryani came out unburnt and delicious and he was happy to be able to tell Kathryn so.

“I’m pretty sure we have to take it as a good omen.” He told her, leaning forward towards her across the table.

She grinned at him and put her hand on top of his. “In that case...” She told him, “I was thinking we might try out something else.”

“Oh really?” He quirked an eyebrow up, intrigued by the flirtatious tone of her husky voice. “What would that be?”

She paused a minute before saying quietly and with utmost seriousness, “Chakotay, I know tomorrow is a risk. We might not survive it and I wouldn’t want to die… never having-” She stopped short, eyes full of emotion and apparently too overcome for words. “I told myself I couldn’t… we couldn’t… not while we were in the Deltra Quadrant. Either way we won’t be here tomorrow, though.”

Chakotay didn’t think he’d ever heard Kathryn do anything remotely close to babbling before, but here she was. Here she was, and he was pretty sure telling him she was ready to take the leap, that she didn’t want to die without them being together. 

“Kathryn…” He stood and walked around to her side of the table, taking her hands in his and kneeling before her. “Are you saying what I am hoping you are saying?”

“Stay with me tonight.” She told him, her hands squeezing his for reassurance. “We’ve waited long enough.”

“Always, Kathryn.” He murmured. “I thought you’d never-” 

She cut him off with a kiss, her lips hot against his as her fingers escaped his and she put her hands on either side of his head. He kissed her back, hands running up her arms to her shoulders and pulling her close. He slowly stood up, bringing her with him, unwilling to break contact as if she might vanish if he let go of her for an instant. She pressed her body tight against his, a low moan escaping her as she ground her hips against his and his tongue slipped into her mouth.

“Let’s take our time.” He told her, as her hands started to reach for his pants, instead pulling off the top layer of his uniform, before guiding hers up over her head. He clasped his hands around her waist and resumed kissing her. “We’ve waited too long to rush now.”

She ran her hands down the front of his chest and pushed him gently backwards, towards her bedroom. “You are right.” She agreed. “Let’s do this right.”

“If we are doing this right...” He replied, between kisses, as she stripped him out of his turtleneck. “I should probably tell you that I love you.”

For a moment he thought that maybe he’d crossed a line, that this night’s magic didn’t extend to outright confessions as opposed to actions and he might have ruined it by overstepping.

“I love you too, Chakotay.” She replied, alleviating his fears and sending a rush of joy through him. “I’m glad we are finally doing this.”

He kissed her hard as they crossed the threshold into her bedroom. He pulled off her turtleneck and ran his hands over her her tank top, tracing her curves. He’d dreamed of touching her, holding her, kissing her, so many times and now he was finally really here with her. She yanked the top over her own head and he mirrored her with his last remaining shirt; they wrapped their arms around one another and tumbled onto the bed sideways, legs intertwining. 

He traced the skin of her waist and rib cage with his hand, curving forward to cup her breast as she hit the edge of her bra. Reaching around to unclasp her bra, Chakotay worked it off of her and finally laid his eyes on the top half of her body uninterrupted. She was so beautiful to him, soft and pale and he leaned forward and pressed his mouth against her collarbone, working his way down between her breasts and finally to capture a nipple between his lips and swirl his tongue against it, causing her to moan his name. His hands ran all over her body and she laid back, kicking off her boots and pulling him closer. 

His body rubbed against hers as she guided his lips back to hers and she shuddered at the skin contact. He murmured her name against her lips, his hands caressing the sides of her breasts as the front of them pressed against his chest. He could hardly believe that he was here in her bed with her at last.

Chakotay began to moved back down her body, kissing her neck and shoulders before moving on to her chest, his hands reached down to work her pants open and she arched her hips up excitedly as she understood where he was headed. By the time he got her pants off, he had reached her hips with his mouth and she moaned his name as he moved down to her inner thighs, running his hand over the top her panties and feeling them soaked through. He hooked his fingers under them and dragged them downwards and she lifted herself up to help him. He placed gentle kisses against the inside of her knees and he looked back up to see her completely naked at last. 

Their eyes met and he breathed more than told her how perfect she looked. Then he repositioned his head between her thighs and trailed kisses inward, watching her expression and seeing the anticipation there. He hovered just above her, breathing on the sensitive flesh there. Kathryn shook slightly in anticipation and he brushed his lips lightly against her clit, garnering a low moan. His tongue darted out to press against her and her hands buried themselves in his hair.

He ignored the painful way he was straining against his uniform pants, intent on Kathryn and cataloguing her response to everything he did. He experimented with different ways of kissing and licking her clit, determined to discover exactly what brought her the most pleasure. She seemed to prefer broad flat strokes of his tongue, punctuated by his mouth enveloping her clit completely. He moved down, tasting her arousal and parting her folds with his tongue to reveal her completely to him, before returning his attention to her clit. 

“Chakotay…” She shuddered, fingers clenching against his scalp and hips pushing off the bed. He kept his hands on her thighs and increased the speed of his tongue against her. He felt her legs start to shake and wrapped his lips around her clit, sucking slowly but firmly as his tongue swirled against her. “Oh… Chakotay!” She cried out in the pleasure of her release.

She pulled him up her body, kissing him deeply, as her hands worked his pants open and down. He took the hint and finished undressing, kicking his pants, underwear, and boots away and grabbing hold of Kathryn, flipping them over so that he was on his back and she was on top of him. 

She sat up a little, supporting herself with her hands pressed against his chest, and giving him a wonderful view of her body, flushed from her recent climax. Her slick opening rubbed along his erection and he eagerly anticipated her taking him inside of her. He reached up and cupped her breasts and she moaned and angled her hips so that he was pressed against her entrance.

She slid down onto him in one fluid movement, taking him inside of her completely. They both moaned in response and she leaned forward to kiss him, her breasts rubbing against his chest as she slowly began to move on top of him. 

“Spirits how I’ve wanted you, Kathryn.” He murmured, one hand cupping her face as the other rested against her hip.

“Me too” she assured him, “more than you know.”

She circled her hips, increasing the range of her movements and sitting up, running her hands up and down his chest and staring at him so intently and full of a mixture of tenderness and desire. Her expression felt like it exposed more than her physical nakedness. She loved him. She wanted him. He knew it now without any doubt.

He sat up and wrapped his arms around her, her legs wrapping around him as they rocked together and he kissed her like a man drowning. He loved Kathryn so much and she felt so amazingly good. It was everything he’d hoped for.

“I love you.” He whispered. “I love you so much.”

She held him tighter and she sped up her pace, “It feels so good to be able to say it.” She gasped, grinding more firmly down onto him. He gripped her hips and murmured her name against her ear and her movements gained an added edge. “I love you, Chakotay… completely and utterly.”

She groaned and pressed him back down onto the bed, losing her former restraint and riding him hard as she neared climax and he met her at every thrust. As she started to come he pulled her down close to him, kissing her passionately and rolling them over so that he was on top of her, his body pressing down, and she went from moaning to screaming his name as he continued to push all the way into her, unable to hold back any longer as she cried out his name so passionately and he had no choice but to spill inside of her. 

He collapsed next to her, not wanting to crush her with his weight but pulling her close against him to hold her. She snuggled close against him, pressing her face into his chest.

“We should tell the crew our decision about tomorrow.” She said halfheartedly.

“They are already preparing anyway. They can wait a little. I’ve waited so long to hold you in my arms, Kathryn. Don’t leave them just yet.”

She relaxed against him and shot him a contented smile. “Alright, just a little longer won’t hurt.” She conceded, seemingly happy for the excuse.

Chakotay traced gentle patterns against her skin, staring at her blissfully. Whatever came next, he would always have this . He would know that she loved him and that she knew he loved her in return, and he would have the experience of just how wonderful it felt to express that love and the memory of how beautiful she looked in the throes of passion.

He had no idea how close he was going to come to losing her forever. How he would hate himself for not having fought her harder about the risks of the Slipstream Drive, for almost losing her in his selfish desire to have her at last. When they survived, Chakotay was so relieved and yet heartbroken. He looked at Kathryn as he came back on board and knew from her eyes what she was thinking. This was a possibility neither of them had considered, surviving but not making it to the Alpha Quadrant. Now that they were once again out here for an unknown amount of time, he could see her retreat away from him once more. It was infinitely worse, he realized. It was unspeakably painful to know that she loved him and how wonderful they could be together, and yet have this unbreachable wall going up between them.

“I’m sorry Chakotay.” She murmured, as she walked past him. “I can’t… not while we are here.”


End file.
